Travels to the East Coast

The Guide that Nobody Asked For.

I am not a good traveler. I don’t like leaving the hotel. I don’t like trying new things. I want to be by myself, in a cool, dark room, drinking a seltzer and watching any reality tv show where alcoholics try and betray each other.

But sometimes you accidentally adopt four dogs and need a break from them, so you fly to the East Coast with your boyfriend.

I’ve decided to write about my travels, the travels of an ARTIST (who’s to say), and share my recommendations for anyone going to NY or VT.

NEW YORK (otherwise known as the Big Gay Apple).

On the flight from LA to NY, mention to your boyfriend that you plan on getting a tattoo of his name on your ribcage.

After you arrive in New York, make sure to drink absolutely no water, but instead, seven blue gatorades.

Decide to pretend to be cultured, and make your way to the Whitney Museum. Try and understand some of the art. Appreciate a few paintings from Georgia O’Keefe, and compare the flowers to your own vagina (identical).

Go see Amy Sherald’s exhibit, and be humbled by someone who actually makes art that means something.

Speaking of art, make sure to stay up until 1 AM watching a TLC show called Virgins, where, you guessed it, multiple adult virgins are filmed in their quest to have sexual intercourse.

At 2 AM, order ice cream from Morgenstern’s Finest Ice Cream. Even though you have posted multiple stories to your Instagram about the evils of the dairy industry, make sure you avoid any of their vegan options.

Spend 200 dollars that you don’t have, ordering pizza (for two) from John’s Of Bleeker St. Eat this pizza ice cold, for the rest of the week.

Go to a SoulCycle class. You have not been to a spin class in years, so make sure to just sit on the bike, disassociate, and move your legs on the lightest incline possible.

Pop into the Cherry Lane Theater, A24’s new establishment on Commerce Street, and watch Claud’s soundcheck while you shamelessly pitch your idea for a play to the creative director. When the creative director says you should write said play, act astonished that someone expects you to do any work.

Go see Josh Sharp’s one man show “Ta-Da!”.

Call your mom and tell her that your boyfriend is perfect.

VERMONT

Before traveling from New York to Vermont, make sure to delay your online check in for your Delta Flight.

Then, when arriving to the airport and checking in at a kiosk, act shocked when the flight is overbooked, and you are bumped off the flight. Delta will offer you 1200 dollars for the inconvenience. Plan to spend this money as soon as possible.

Have your relationship tested by spending nine hours in LaGuardia Airport together, trying to find something to eat. Say you can eat “anything”. As always, be a people pleaser, while at the same time asserting yourself, in order to cause as much confusion for your partner as possible.

Secretly call a psychic while you’re waiting for your next flight, and ask about the future of your relationship. Believe everything (you’ll be together forever, as you have planned).

Get into Vermont at 10:30pm and spent 1000 dollars renting a car. Refuse to acknowledge this as real money. In the words of Cole Escola, “My finances are none of my business.”

As you drive to your lodgings, listen to your boyfriend as he says he can “handle your scars.” Cry.

After you arrive, eat leftovers from the restaurant at Philo Ridge Farm. There won’t be enough food, so encourage your boyfriend to eat most of it, because yes, he could leave you if he gets hungry.

Stay up until 2 AM watching Vanderpump Rules, while ignoring the surrounding beauty.

Wake up in Vermont on a Saturday morning, and vape as soon as you open your mouth. Proceed to vape for the next 72 hours.

Go to the Flying Pig Bookstore, and buy multiple books that you will never read.

Go to the Shelburne Market, and spend 100 dollars on Cheese and Pie.

Swim in Lake Champlain.

While relaxing on the shore of the lake with your boyfriend, wait for him to tell you he loves you. You love him, but your therapist has suggested to focus less on saying those words, and more on the actual sentiment. This feels impossible, but you must do it. After all, you have had many experiences where you have shared your feelings too soon, and cried when the feelings weren’t immediately reciprocated.

Resist the urge to constantly entertain everyone around you, and try and allow people to become bored in the bucolic surroundings.

Go outside before bed, and stare at the fireflies, as they light up the trees like manic, broken Christmas lights.

Again, I can’t emphasize this enough, watch Vanderpump Rules until 2 AM.

Wake up, go to the Old Brick Store, and stand in awe, as you visit a shop that seems to have teleported itself from Silverlake.

Write your Substack. Hope and pray that your partner will never find it. He can never know how crazy you really are.

Call your mom, and remind her that your boyfriend is perfect.

Google long sleeved wedding dresses.

When your boyfriend returns from the gym, REMEMBER TO NOT LEAVE THIS GOOGLE SEARCH UP ON YOUR COMPUTER.

Receive an email from your accountant, with the estimate of what you owe on last year’s taxes. Proceed to turn off your phone. You’ll become rich soon enough! Ignore the fact that you are definitely, 100 percent, unemployed.

Stay delusional. You’re on vacation.

Thank God for every moment that you have, where you are forced to relax.

Manage to only poop twice on this entire journey.